Jay Cutler Decides to Leave the Booth and Sign With the Dolphins

Yesterday afternoon, it was announced that FOX Sports broadcaster Jay Cutler will come out of retirement and play quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. He signed a one-year, $10 million contract laden with incentives and bonuses.

Somewhere, Colin Kaepernick is about to throw himself through a wall. Imagine being that guy. You go out there, thinking you might spark some change if you do a little protest in the name of black lives matter. Yeah, some of the grumpy old people at home are gonna get mad for taking a knee during the National Anthem, but the reward outweighs the risk. People will respect support it because I’m taking a stand for what I believe in, right? WRONG. Well maybe not so much in the aspect that most people don’t respect and support it, but NFL owners surely do not. They are the grumpy old people at home. They are far too scared of alienating parts of their fan base because Kaep took a knee during the anthem. Sorry buddy but if there’s one thing you don’t wanna disrespect, it’s the American flag. Huge groups of people who get really offended by that type of shit. Of course he has the right to protest but the owners also have the right to not sign him because of said protest. Take that as you will, but I’m gonna take it as something along the lines of, “If you play in the NFL, keep your mouth shut and posture in an upright position when it comes to polarizing issues.”

I guess I should talk about Jay Cutler a little bit, too. I actually do think this is a better fit for the team than Kapernick anyways. Cutler was pretty successful under Adam Gase in Chicago. He had his single-season highest passer rating of his career the year before Gase left to coach the Dolphins. The Dolphins also have a pretty strong offense around him with two of the NFLs more underrated players IMO in Jarvis Landry and Jay Ajayi. Hopefully the aqua blue and orange will stick out to Cutler and he’ll stop throwing the ball to the other team. Maybe that was his problem after all. It’s hard being out there on the field with all these dark colors mixing together. Makes your eyesight all fucked up. Gotta throw in some vibrant colors and wake up those corneas. I think I just figured out Jay Cutler. You’re welcome, Miami. I’m predicting a comeback season for the ages. Miami is going 10-6*. You heard it here first,,, folks.

 

*I reserve my right to say this take was a total joke when Jay Cutler throws 1000 interceptions before week 6 and gets benched for Matt Moore.

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