In case you were wondering, it was North Korea that made that threat. I know they’re usually a pretty laid back nation but Kim Jong Un has ratcheted up the nuclear program recently and now they are mouthing off saying that their Nerf gun launchers can suddenly reach Guam, a U.S. territory in the pacific. I would like to be the first to inform you that this is a direct threat, and is actually bad.
Last night around 9:00p.m, I was alerted by my phone that the North Koreans were discussing plans to “create an enveloping fire” in and around Guam. Guam may seem like a random place to hit with a missile, but it’s important to note that there are a lot of U.S. military and naval bases in Guam and it’s a key part of our presence in the pacific ocean. So, creating an enveloping fire in that region would pose some trouble for us. Many Americans that live on those military bases would most likely die if a missile were to strike. Again, actually bad.
But do not fear, Americans. Our brazen, fearless leader Donald Trump has fired back at these baseless threats from the petite North Korean man they call Jim Kong. During a press conference in New Jersey, where he has been working while the White House is being renovated, he said “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and the fury like the world has never seen.” He went off-script and improvised to relay the message that the United States is not to be fucked with, in any capacity. We must assert our dominance in this situation. We will come out on top. We always do, except for Vietnam, which was a tie.
Our Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, has stated that “Americans should sleep well at night,” and that the threat of war with North Korea is not as imminent as it may seem. He walked back Trump’s bold response to their threat and said the threat level has not “dramatically changed in the last 24 hours, while also adding that he thinks “what the President was doing was sending a strong message to North Korea in language that Kim Jong Un would understand, because he doesn’t seem to understand diplomatic language.” You are very right, Mr. Tillerson. This maniacal, small, doughy-faced man does not seem to listen to diplomacy from foreign powers. Maybe someone will have to be stern and discipline him after all these years of being a little brat and talking to his superiors with such disrespect. Discipline him with missiles and fire.
Though I truly do despise North Korea and their brainwashed population, it would be actually bad to start a nuclear war. Nobody wants thousands of people to die, and if you do, maybe you should move to North Korea. But in the event that this does go down, and it’s looking like it’s going to more and more each day, I am in no way concerned. Now, if they could craft missiles that could reach Maine, I definitely would be. But, sadly, they stink at making bombs. If they do end up hitting Guam, it would be an unprecedented attack on U.S. soil. The losses would be substantial for our military and our citizens. But we would turn South Korea into a fucking island if that happened. Trump may like to exagerate his claims but he was not kidding when he said they would see fire and fury unlike the world has ever seen. That is definitely not a bluff. We are the United States of America and we will fuck your shit up if you mess with us. So back off, little man, know your place, and start being more concerned about supplying electricity to the rest of your country. Pyongyang has a big red target on it right now, Jim Kong.