America Is Very Angry, And Frankly, So Am I

Big J journo Chase Whitney reporting live from behind the cash register at The Candy Connection on Wells Beach. I’m here today to inform you of the fiery political violence going on in Charlottesville, Virginia in regards to the removal of a statue of a Confederate war hero. The erasure of the city’s Confederate past spawned a #UniteTheRight rally, a rally of people that are right-winged thinkers or members of the alt-right movement. This, of course, was met with firm resistance from both local law enforcement and left-winged organizations such as ANTIFA. In modern-day America, the land of the free, the home of the brave, opinions are often responded to with disapproval and force. Groups with dissenting opinions can almost never co-exist. It’s much easier to fight fire with fire, which is actually bad.

Taking off my journo hat now and I’m would like to announce that this shit is so goddamn stupid I cannot believe it. Actually, yes I can. But I support neither side in this situation because both groups are going out there and throwing rocks at each other and getting in those pussy-ass shoving fights where all the fat fucks that are at these protests stumble around and fall with their asscracks hanging out. The worst part is, it’s all on video. I think I’m just mad about this because of how many ugly buttcracks I’ve seen today. Seriously, I don’t think one attractive person goes to these. It’d be different if we were getting some Kylie Jenner buttcracks but it’s more of an Amy Schumer lookalike event. I guess it’s because attractive people typically don’t sit in their basement in the dark and attack people on twitter for being a snowflake/bigot or what have you. Just a theory.

Anyways, the removal of the statue or monument or whatever is kinda dumb just because if they really felt that ashamed about it or whatever it’d have been taken down long ago. You don’t erase or move on from history by taking down the monument. Everyone knows it happened. You’re gonna have to accept that Virginia was a confederate state. If you don’t like it, don’t live there. The only reason they’re even doing this is because people love to whine and bitch nowadays and get offended for no reason. The office that handles states and shit in that area probably got a bazillion phone calls and got fed up and decided to just give in. But what’s even dumber than that is that there are people who fucking FLY OUT THERE and protest it (Baked Alaska, I’m talking to you). I get it if you’re a right-wing guy that hates the PC shit but who cares enough to go to that length? I hate Kevin Durant but I’m not flying out to Oakland to yell at him. The whole Tiki torch thing was such a beta move too. You couldn’t have gotten a real torch like the ones in Assassin’s Creed or something? Such a waste of time and money to stand up against something that is just a phase. This PC bullshit will never last because no rational person actually believes in it. It’s just a trend and there’s nothing people love more than being trendy. This is by far the most pointless fight ever. Nobody’s free speech is being taken away, nobody is a racist cause they don’t want a statue taken down, and I can assure you that NOBODY looking in from the outside thinks you’re brave for going and wrestling in the middle of the road with a bunch of fat losers with green hair half of a dick, or some skinhead with Nazi tattoos. We just don’t care. You look stupid. I bet Charlottesville was a nice college town too. And now it has this stigma attached to it. Call your mom and have her pick you up you goddamn children. Playtime is over.

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